If You Fall
by the gnome
Summary: Another post 02 angst monologue ficlet in the same vein as my previous one. This time, Miyako's turn. Shoujo-ai warning. forgive me, angst is an addiction.


Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon, or anything of worth, so your suing efforts would be useless, ha! Useless I say! No seriously, I'm not out to make any money, just have fun. (and surely that's not against the law is it?)  
  
Warning: Shoujo-ai. That is Female/Female romances. For the sanity of everyone involved, please don't bother to read something which will just disgust you if you don't like that sort of thing.   
  
  
***  
  
If You Fall  
  
***  
  
It was a strange thing, realizing she didn't need me. I at least expected it to hurt, having my heart torn out. Hurt terribly. However, I can't say I felt anger, betrayal, bitterness, or pain. I thought I would, but in reality, there was nothing. Watching as what gave you life slowly drains away, knowing it can never be replenished, you don't feel anything. All you do, is die.  
  
As surely as if that worthless lump in my chest had quit beating, there was no way for me to go on living.  
  
Oh, I try and tell myself that that's not a good way to put it, that I'm very much alive, but the part of me that cared is long gone. My nobler impulses, all gone with her.  
  
Though perhaps it was my own delusions of grandeur that killed me. I fancied myself precious to her, though I don't know how that could have been. All I did for a long time was ground us both, when she deserved to fly.  
  
But the time came when she told me what she dreamed of that horrible day, when we near all gave in to the darkness. Peace. It struck me that even in the darkness, she'd seen light, when all the rest of us had fallen prey to our own fool fantasies. She dreamed of something higher, more divine than any of the rest of us could ascribe. Even if it was Daisuke's strength in the end that won us through, her virtue still showed in her great desire for goodness, whilst the rest of us populated the plain with our dark, impossible dreams. The world ought to thank infinity for the fire of warriors like Daisuke, and the brilliance of teachers like her.  
  
My own dreams are all corrupt. Ironic how so many were granted. I married the very best man in the world, yet I still know intimately how it feels, to be alone. That I suppose, is what I deserve.  
  
I told myself I didn't need truth, and I didn't need love. I wondered that day, in the dreamscape, what it would be like, not to have to share my life with anyone. But now I have a kind husband, beautiful children, a comfortable life. And it is all a lie. I can not call this existence a horror. I still can't call it a joy.  
  
In my own shallow selfishness, I will it be a sorrow. I was never worthy of her. It is no fault of those who would be my dearest if I were stronger, but with her, is everything decent and honourable that there ever was in me. And therein lies my basest, most terrible dream. The one I most longed to be.  
  
She won my heart. For the briefest time, I dreamed that we could be together, that I could help her stay who she was, a light shining in the darkness. I swore we would fight the darkness together. But she soon came to be a light to overcome the dark, venturing where I could no longer follow. Though I wanted her to stay with me.  
  
It was that last wish that made me sure, it could never be. We were never on the same footing, and I would've dragged her down to my level only to blunt the keen edge of my own inadequacy.  
  
She is the equal to any force, so easily she could have banished my own demons, though I'd thought it my job to stay hers. Her intensity is as warming as the flame, blinding as the sun, yet gentle as the silver light of the moon. There is nothing so pure.  
  
If you fall, I would catch you, ready with open arms, to hold you against the evils that would contend for your light. But you soar high above me on the wings of an angel, and everything is as it should be. With your grace, you carry my love. Though, it never reach.  
  
***  
  
A/N: Hmm, something to add to what i should be calling the denial series. i think it will be a trilogy, yoohoo, takori fans anywhere? (Disturbing cackling heard in the distance) noooo, if possible, i think this one sucks more than the kensuke one. frown. but i like hiyako, i like it a lot! damn, why am i bastardizing some of my favorite couples in this endeavor? i'll take the easy way out, yaoi/yuri fan excuse number 1: because the digimon people already screwed over all the characters with their ending, so no fanfic author can do any worse! naw, i just have a slight problem with canon-ness, and a soft spot for yaoi/yuri -- in the digimon universe.  



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